Tailored, not bespoke

I was mulling over a posting on this topic in any event, but an exchange of emails with Korey Dawson, editor of Ogerog Annual and The Diabolical Index, pushed me over the edge.

I don't normally (actually, ever at all) respond to rejections - bad form, unprofessional, and all that. But Korey's knock-back of my submissions to the first volume of Ogerog Annual came with a potential personal approach for volume two for "writers whose work stood out to me this time, but for whatever reason didn't make it in". In clarifying what this added up to (less than a commission; more than simple advance notice of the submission window, I think), he commented on "an inordinate amount of stories dealing with teeth".

I pointed out DreamPunk Press's recent call for stories on just that topic. 

"That was going to bug me forever," Korey said. "It explains everything."

A discussion with Donna Scott at Slab Press as part of the launch of her anthology Obsidian (hey... did you see that? there is link back to this blog, THIS BLOG!, on her page!!) had already planted the seed. I can't quite remember how Donna phrased the question, but there was the merest entertainment of the possibility my story 'The Ambassadors' was written specifically for Obsidian.

Sorry. If only.

I know that may hurt. A publisher puts out a call, and gets a bunch of stories that fit the parameters to a T. They'd like to believe those tales wouldn't have existed if they hadn't made that fateful decision over one too many red wines to start an imprint or theme an anthology of strangers' short stories. They want to believe in fine art forged first time, with the universe revolving around them. Korey wanted to think all those stories about teeth were written just for him, and it was the zeitgeist acting oddly. They want to believe in true love and destiny...

I have no idea how other writers working in the same space operate. Perhaps they do craft pieces specifically for anthologies, but I seriously doubt it. Particularly anthologies paying semi-pro or token amounts. If you do craft a piece worthy of publication, don't you want to give the Clarkesworlds and Asimov'ses (is that correct grammar?) a chance to not pay ten cents a word for them first?

The only time I can recall writing to a prompt was a Sherlock Holmes homage for Improbable Press's Anna Karenina Isn't Dead call, which I then promptly sent to their old .co.uk email address my laptop had saved, not their otherwise identical, but functional, .com address. Doh. That story, The Adventure of the Sekharatu Club, is now due out sometime soon from the British Fantasy Society, if Trump allows the planet to make it around the sun one more orbit, that is.

What tends to be more common is that I write a story I want to write, one demanding to be written, regardless of what the market's asking for, which gets battered and bruised tarting itself to as many suitors as I can find on the Submissions Grinder, staring with Neil Clarke (always swift with his cold shoulder at the fluttering of my stories' eyelashes), then working its way down the dockside offering itself at ever decreasing rates of return. 

It's not all negative as rejections often come with advice, to tone down the make-up, get a new frock, or lose 1000 words, so what emerges is often stronger for the experience. At some stage, then, an anthology appears which it either fits, or can be made to fit, what is a sharper story. And, in tailoring the story for the theme, if needed, you often find you've ended up with a unique perspective that stands out from the crowd. 

I have a copy of Bronies: For the Love of Ponies someplace, which has one of my first published stories in it (it's in here too). I've never read it, never watched My Little Pony, and feel slightly uneasy at the thought of an anthology of stories about bronies and pegasisters. My story was about a sentient car which, having done the rounds, I replaced with an animatronic pony and sent off in hope rather than expectation. I suspect it was that unique take that got it over the transom.

As a writer, you kiss a lot of frogs. Not my fault if the frogs are under the impression they're the first to be kissed by you.

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My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon). 

Sideshow, footnote, irrelevance

Let's be clear. The launch of Artemis II is a sideshow, a footnote, an irrelevance. 

It won't end any wars, or put food on the tables of the starving, or stop young girls in Africa walking miles to get water from wells, time they could have spent in school. If anything, it's diverting funds from those here-and-now (emphasis on the 'here') problems.

So, let's talk about something that really matters.

Beer.

We recently went on an expedition from the country to the Big Smoke, Olde London Towne (pronounced 'Old London Town', obvs), not for the drinking of beer but for non-yeast based culture, but a few beers were had along the way.

But my ale-adjacent experience somehow illustrates how cultures, traditions, ways of life erode and disappear. And fiction that builds futures has to take in not just the shiny and new, but how the tarnished and out-of-fashion gets pushed aside and pushed away.

I'm not quite sure how, but I offer this as a possible case study.

You'd think getting a good pint in London would be guaranteed. London was once home to some of the largest breweries in the world, rolling out hundreds of thousands of barrels of beer a year. Christ, in the Great Beer Flood of 1814, the bursting of a single vat was enough to collapse buildings and kill people. London brewed a lot of beer because London drank a lot of beer. London knew beer.

But not any more, it seems to me.

My first pint was in an otherwise excellent curry house. There seems to be a curry-house curse, mainly relating to sizing and container-style, where a Venn diagram between what's on the menu, what you ask for, and what's served overlap but don't align.

Seeing a large bottle of Cobra on the shelf, I asked for one with a small glass to serve myself, and was given a pint. A short pint.

Oh. Was that from the bottle? 

Yes.

Then where's the rest of the 660ml bottle?

Bafflement.

I still have no idea whether I was served draught or from a can. Certainly not a bottle.

Conclusion: the importance of variation (a can doesn't taste the same as draught, nor does the bottle) and serving (keeping the head topped up and avoiding those stupid bloody tall glasses only good for flowers isn't just a whim) is being lost. As long as the brand is right nothing else matters.

The second pint was just a half before the theatre. The first that was served was flat as a puddle, and, as far as I could tell - because no way on God's green earth was it getting near my lips - had all the other characteristics of a puddle. It took a bit of persuasion to get the point across that beer shouldn't look like that before it got changed. 

Oh, and two halves (of a still middling brew) and a lemonade was £12. You'd think they'd treat it as a premium product.

Conclusion: knowledge of what the product should and should not look like is vanishing. It's brown, it's liquid, it has a sort of scum on top. Isn't that beer?

The third pint was more of the same, except this time, as I was ordering two, I only realised the issue when the second one was being drawn. I did query whether that was what that particular beer and was persuaded, reluctantly, that, no, that's what it's like.

Really?

Ten minutes later, that particular brew was off. I did try to tell them.

My next pint there (yes, we stayed) was a New England IPA on tap rather than handpump. It was lovely but a bit heart-breaking as the handpump beer was looking rather like a ageing horse staring at a shiny new tractor. The world turns. But we've been here before - a century ago you'd have had milds and porters in every pub. Now, outside beer festivals, you'd struggle. You don't often even see winter warmers anymore. Bloody global warming.

There's a bit of everything here. The melting pot of cultures, changing habits, lack of knowledge, lack of giving a shit. Suddenly finding yourself out of step. The world changes. You ride the wave for a bit. Then end up dazed with the taste of seawater in your mouth.

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You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon). 

Happy Friday the thirteenth

Because today is the day that Rat Bag Lit issue 1 - within which my story Knights of the Spherical Table gets a second airing - becomes a reality, albeit a virtual reality, for you to obtain from:

https://open.substack.com/pub/ratbaglit/p/now-available-print-issue-1

https://ko-fi.com/ratbaglit/shop

Or, having downloaded the digital version, you can get the hard copy next month from https://ko-fi.com/s/e7a829b756

Ratty can be found on Instagram, Bluesky, or go to the Rat Bag Lit website.

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Click on the images or search on Amazon.

You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon). 

The Ambassadors

...is the title of my novelette, which opens 'Obsidian' from Slab Press, coming next month...

#

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You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon). 

Anomaly: Year One

Last year I placed a little story called "Imprex Model 5233: Instruction for Use" in Eric Fomley's (of Shacklebound Books) Anomaly strand. And look what's fallen through my digital letterbox - the entire first year of Anomaly in anthology form.

Yours for less than one US dollar (and no doubt similar in other currencies) from those Amazon people.

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You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon). 

End of year report - Part 2

Continuing from where Part One left off...

#7 "Jesus of Biggleswade" in Cemetery Songs, Eldritch Cat Press

The first of two stories sold in September, Alanna Robertson-Webb's Eldritch Cat Press took my religious zombie satire (a latter-day Jesus raises the dead causing a zombie apocalypse - see how I don't make things easy for myself, sales-wise?). It was published in November - an impressive turnaround.

#8 "ghost town" in Twisted Trails: Tales of the Weird Wild West, Shacklebound Books

Another anthology put together without sparing the horses. This was taken by Eric Fomley's Shacklebound in mid-September, and had hit virtual shelves in early November. 

My contribution, written specifically for this call, put the ghosts into ghost town. Weirdly, the collection doesn't appear on Shacklebound's own website. Perhaps a case of simply being too quick on the draw?

#9 "…And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead. That, and T-Shirt Sales", Sometimes Hilarious Horror

Another reprint (but only two out of the year's thirteen acceptances were), which would have won me $10 had it not gone very, very weird when it came to the contract. I'm not going to go through it all again - read about it here, but the executive summary is that it won't be coming out under this masthead, which is more to do with them than me.

# 10 "      ", Big Smoke Pulp Vol 2

A drabble, accepted in October for a venture of Adriano Ariganello's Pesto Comics, for which I offered to waive my one dollar payment (Canadian, not even US!), made complicated by its title being six blanks. Not five. Not seven. Six.

Why? Maybe you should read it when it comes out. When that is, I'm not sure: it was  crowdfunded in seven minutes, but proofs were promised in November and I've yet to see them.

It's also the only story I've ever written with an interrobang, so I definitely want to see it out there.

#11 "The Adventure of the Sekhetaru Club", BFS Horizons

My third sale of October, this was a story I wrote a few years ago for an anthology continuing the stories of female characters from the classics after the originals end. That it wasn't selected was, in part, due to my sending it off to the wrong email address, then watching the number of stories still in contention on the Grinder dwindle to... just me. At which point I checked. Doh! Yes, there's a village out there missing its idiot.

The story is Irene Adler's, from the Sherlock Holmes universe. Even though Holmes in now unambiguously in the pubic domain worldwide, this story of Adler and a cult of Egyptian immortal-wannabes had proved too fanfic-adjacent for many markets, which made me feel doubly foolish for investing time into it, then misaddressing it. 

Not yet published by the British Fantasy Society. Indeed, I'm yet to see a contract.

#12 "He’s Making a List", Eerie Christmas vol 4, Black Hare Press

You know that scene from Heat, where de Niro and Pacino face off over coffee? Now substitute Santa Claus for de Niro. I know that's a story you want to read. And it's here. Bought by Black Hare in mid-November, and released exactly a month later. And you thought Santa worked quickly.

#13 "The Salmakki Resurrection", The Daily Tomorrow

Another rare case of me focussing on a particular market, rather than setting the drivel passing through my mind down in words regardless of who may end up buying it. In this instance, it was a case of rewriting, rather than writing to fit the Daily Tomorrow's model of weekly stories in seven parts. Quite why I initially honed this tale of pacifist robots' multi-millennia-long survival strategy in the face of an unstoppable foe into five parts eludes me. (See #11, possibly.)

It was only sold on the 23rd of December, but a swift and professional approach means it's due out on the 13th of January. And, being a pro-paying market, it leaves me teetering on the brink of L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future Contest disqualification. One more 3000+ word story at over 10 cents a word, and the airlock closes on me.

Talking of WotF, it was just two honorable (sic) mentions and two unplaceds in 2025. I used to regularly get a couple of silver honorables a year. The two unplaced were long (9000 and 13000 word) stories very much written with the contest in mind, whereas the ones that were at least recognised as being okay were scrubbed up members of the rank and file of stories that regularly try their luck in the marketplace.

I've blogged about the WotF Contest previously. Given how regularly it runs, it should be something of a bellwether of how one is doing as a writer, but I still find it baffling how my results are slipping at the same time as, say, I'm getting pro sales that are undermining my eligibility.

So, 330 submissions made and, after a very slow start, thirteen sales in the year, of which all but two were original stories. Of those eleven newbies, six were drabbles and flashes under a thousand words, but the other five were 2700 words up to 5000. And two of those were at professional rates of pay (and have been paid for). Six have been published, and I only know for sure one won't see daylight, and that was a reprint. Whilst not a vintage year, that’s a return I’m quite happy with.

Otherwise it was another year waiting for my kill fee from Carrie Cuinn, and not a word out of Roxie Voorhees.

Happy New Year.

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Click on the images or search on Amazon.

You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon).

 

End of year report - Part 1

Another circuit around the sun completed, another year nearer death, and another 30,000 species driven to extinction. Apparently. 

And more stories with my name in the by-line taken by publishers, those filters of taste that sit between me and you, dear reader.

#1 "Planes of Illusory", in This Exquisite Topology, Angry Gable Press

Only submitted on January 2nd; by the 4th this well-travelled flash (on it's 47th submission, but it had been bought once before by a publication that evaporated shortly after) had been taken for my second appearance in an Angry Gable Press anthology.

It was published in August.

#2 "Imprex Model 5233: Instruction for Use", AnomalySF

Having sold my first story of the year so quickly, I then had to wait until late May for my second, and then it was the flashiest of flashes, barely more than a drabble. I was beginning to wonder if I'd lost my mojo. If you subscribe, you can find it here: look for its 15th June publication date.

#3 "The Black Dragon", Utopia Science Fiction

Already into the second half of the year, just my third sale came on July 19th. But at 4000 words, at least it was a proper short story, not a drabble or a flash, and at a professional rate of pay (my children get to wear shoes again!). 

"The Black Dragon" may sound like dragon-heavy swords and sorcery fantasy, but it's actually military science fiction, about soldier-droids having a sudden moment of pacifist sentience in earth's last line of defence against invading... okay, dragons. Read it in Utopia SF's August edition.

Notably, this was my one hundredth published story, and my second 'dis-qualifying' story for the purposes of the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future contest. Another two 3000 word+ stories paid at over eight cents a word and I'm deemed a professional who can't enter. (Spoiler alert: see Part Two!)

#4 "Wingman(Patent Pending)" in The Big Book of Quantum Fiction, Tracy Shew

Nine days later, Tracy Shew came in for my time travel SF story, "Wingman (Patent Pending)", despite the very clear instructions in the submission guidelines that time travel was out of scope. 

Mr. Shew reminded me of this in his acceptance email:

If this snuck into our anthology it would be a mistake. A course correction. A blunt force trauma to our mission statement.

I'm confidently certain I specified "No time travel!" in the instructions. And this is classic time travel.

Now the good news: You've convinced me I may have been wrong. Yes, it is classic time travel paradox. You have obviously channeled Ray Bradbury's "The Sound of Thunder." BUT, you possibly saved yourself by your fingernails by including one genuine quantum hypothesis which has been kicked around for thirty years, and which refuses to die: The silmultaneous time streams theory, which you seem to disprove, because your ending reverts back to the grandfather paradox.

It's like you bring up the quantum theory (which should disallow the grandfather paradox) simply as justification for the Japanese inventors to sell time travel to the public as "safe." Clever.

This makes the cost of including this amazing story quite high for me. (And I'm not talking about the $24.) It would reside amongst a bunch of other stories that are like, "Yaay! Quantum theory!" Only to shout out "Boo! Quantum theory! Yaay! Einstein!"

I'm not sure what's happened to this project. Tracy said he'd be blogging on his site at least monthly, but hasn't since June, which is never a good sign. The last 'news' is from April. But contracts have been signed and payment made, so the ball's in his court and the story is for him to do with as he sees fit. I hope the anthology emerges. The last mail I had from him ended:

Thanks for instilling a touch of class in this project.

#5 "The Derring-Do Best Left Undone", in Happily Never After, Shacklebound Books

Back to the short stuff. Eric Fomley's Shacklebound Books is a repeat customer, but this drabble was selected by guest editor Kai Delmas for his twisted fairy tale anthology. I think it's worth giving you a line from his acceptance email:

I can't believe you're making me do this, but I did really enjoy your drabble and would like to accept the monster Rapunzel and her pubic hair story for Happily Never After.

Now I know you're intrigued. So am I, actually, as I'm not entirely sure what's happened to the project. Hopefully it'll appear soon.

#6 "Knights of the Spherical Table", Rat Bag Literary

A reprint, snapped up mid-August and scheduled to appear in Rat Bag Literary's first print edition in mid-March 2026. There are already plenty of stories to explore on their website.

#

Click on the images or search on Amazon.

You're here, so surely you know how?

My Thoughts are with You. Your Thoughts are with the Authorities for Calibration Against Societal Norms

Meet a man mistaken for a robot, a robot which learns the meaning of irony the hard way, a Frankenstein’s monster with a future in tailoring, a talking cat, a talking car, several time travellers, and a host of other characters.

Award-nominated science fiction and slipstream author Robert Bagnall’s second anthology of twenty-four stories, variously bleak, funny, bleakly funny or – very occasionally – optimistic.

  

2084 - The Meschera Bandwidth

2084. The world remains at war.

In the Eurasian desert, twenty-year old Adnan emerges from a coma with memories of a strictly ordered city of steel and glass, and a woman he loved.

The city is the Dome, and the woman... is Adnan's secret to keep.

Adnan learns what the Dome is, and what his role really was within it. He learns why everybody fears the Sickness more than the troopers. And he learns why he is the only one who can stop the war.

Persuaded to re-enter the Dome to implant a virus that will bring the war machine to its knees, the resistance think that Adnan is returning to free the many - but really he wants to free the one.

24 0s & a 2

Twenty-four slipstream stories.  Frequently absurd, often minimifidian, occasionally heroic.

“Brilliant stories, well written!” (five stars, Amazon).