Lakeside Circus - epilogue

Or, possibly, coda.  Maybe an afterword.  I'm really not sure.

You may recall my communications with Carrie Cuinn, Managing Editor of Dagan Books, under whose umbrella sits Lakeside Circus.  Well, Carrie issued the following email earlier this week to all affected authors:

It is with great sadness I must announce that we've decided to close Lakeside Circus, at least for now. It has always been a labor of love, with very little funding outside of my own pocketbook. I was happy to pay for as long as I could, but recent events in my personal life - being laid off, going back to college, requiring surgery - have made it so I can no longer afford to fund this project.

I hope that changes, and one day soon, I may reopen Lakeside to submissions, but I can't guarantee when. In the meantime, I'll keep the website up for as long as I can, and continue to share those wonderful stories and poems with the world. 

All accepted authors with a signed contract will of course have those contracts honored: I will pay a 50% kill fee for declining to publish your work at this time. All authors are released from the other terms of publication, and you are free to submit your work to other markets. Please be patient, though; since we're closing due to lack of funds, it may take a few months to pay everyone off. (I'll do it as quickly as possible.)

I wish you the best of luck, and I will look for your fiction out in the world.

One of my first writing tutors told me 'nothing bad can ever happen to a writer' - although, if you're like me, a list beginning with 'persistent vegetative state' quickly forms in your mind.  On that basis, I hope that the experience has made Ms Cuinn, an outlier in terms of my experience dealing with editors, somewhat wiser and wish her all the best for the future.

In the land of the blind the one-eyed is king

You may recall that I recently thought that I’d received some fan mail, declarations of love even, only to discover that the floozy was spreading her messages far and wide, all whilst offering to make me wildly rich, but only if I could provide some upfront readies to oil the wheels of probate.  The brazen non-existent hussy.

Well, I now seem to have received some real fan mail.  He (I think it’s a he) didn’t declare his love or offer me a route to $9.5m for a modest downpayment, so I’m working on the basis that it’s genuine.  Instead, Lawson Castaldo (can I use that name? it’s very sci-fi) asked for advice on how to improve his writing.  And I thought I’d share my thoughts with you all.

Well, with a hit-rate of less than 1%, I’m not sure how valid any of my advice would be - a far better starting point would be the three articles linked here - but I’ll throw in a few thoughts of my own.  And, at the risk of being accused of mission-creep, I’ve majored on how to get sci-fi short stories published, and in so doing improve your writing.

‘Don’t get it right, get it written’

An old writerly cliché, only half-correct in that getting it right really helps, but the point is that writing is like using a muscle, the more you use it the better you get.  Just write stories.  Read them back to yourself.  Get them fit for purpose and get them out there.  Listen to any feedback your lucky enough to receive.

A lot of people get family and friends to read them, take them to writers’ groups.  Way too many cooks in my view.  If what you write reads well to you then get your babies to fly the nest and work on the next yarn.  Don’t be like the character in Camus’ The Plague who edited his life’s work down to one sentence (was it even one word in the end?).  Be productive.

For one thing, magazines and publishers may well sit on a story for six months, longer if it makes it further from slush pile to editor’s desk(top) - you need to have a dozen or so out there knocking on doors for you.  I’ve just done a quick count and I think I have about 21 stories currently in slush piles.

Know your market

The internet is brilliant.  If you don’t already know ralan.com, submissions grinder, Duotrope, check them out.  SFWA produce a list of qualifying markets.

Get to know the submissions pages of the publications you’re pitching to.  Follow the instructions - story length, format, what to include in the cover letter, what to put in the subject line of the email - to the letter.  Don’t give them a reason for an instant rejection.

…but don’t know your market too well

By which I mean - and I’ll risk the ire of editors here - don’t feel it necessary to read the magazines you send stories to - other than to support their very worthy enterprises.  The reason being that editors want some out-of-the-ordinary, extraordinary.  Feel tempted to replicate or imitate what’s gone before and your guaranteed not to be fresh or different.  I don’t want to reference myself against other stories.  If I’m in the dark as regards what’s out there then I’ll never be tempted to steer a story away or towards another’s tale.  Plus, remember, editors are maybe a year ahead in terms of what they’re reading versus what their readership is seeing.

As long as I’m not sending sci-fi to a fantasy market (You know how I tell?  The artwork.  If a website is all dragons and dwarf-tossing then it won’t get my William Gibson-esque near-future dystopia) then I’m happy not to be too well-versed in its recent output.

I recently heard Richard Hawley interviewed who said he wouldn’t listen to music when writing music as he ends up pastiching what he hears - I’m the same about writing.  In fact, I don’t think any sci-fi has ever informed my sci-fi, other than in a very peripheral, ‘mood-music’ kind of way.  I’m much more likely to take a story in a newspaper and play ‘what-if’ games with it.

For example, I was reading about automotive technology that can tell when a driver is having a heart attack, stop the car, and call the emergency services.  My mind drifted to what if the driver was an android - the car wouldn’t function at all - but didn’t know it.  Would he achieve self-knowledge through trips to the garage?  So I wrote that.

Anthologies

I find checking the anthology listings on submissions grinder particularly useful.  Some are vague as anything, but others can be bizarrely precise.  With luck I either have a story that fits or - and this is where it can really hit the sweet spot - a story can be twisted to fit in a way that I wouldn’t have otherwise seen.  That story about the intelligent car and unaware robot?  When I saw Kazka’s requirements for their Bronies anthology the car became a pony and another sale was made.  I would never have written that story straight off.

Smells

Sounds odd, but stories cover sights and sounds but rarely smells.  Add a line or two about the scents, aromas and whiffs.  It’s to writing what Worcestershire sauce is to cooking.

Lastly, forget the money

In terms of return on investment you’d be better off walking the pavements looking for dropped change.  I don’t say this to put you off, but to free you from the pressure of either trying to write to a ‘formula’ that isn’t you or judging your writing fiscally.  I think I suffer from stories that are hard to pigeonhole, but I can’t bring myself to write overblown ‘Captain Zumera pushed his hovercar over the ridge and into the canyon, fingering the trigger of his blaster, looking for shellback ya-yas’-type spaceopera.  (Actually that didn’t sound too bad, even if I don’t understand half of what I typed).

Plus, when you do get paid it’s all the sweeter.

Meditations on editorial correspondence

I’ve been having a number of interesting communications from, even exchanges with, editors in the past couple of weeks.  Oh, and I also got rejection number 28 from Clarkesworld.  ‘Nuff said about that.

On the one hand, I have a story that’s made it through the slush pile to the editor-in-chief at Spark.  Which is nice.  And I’ve been exchanging messages with the courteous and efficient Matt Buscemi at Fuzzy Hedgehog, who even sends me a new proof when I ask for an extra hard return in my contribution to Beyond the Hedge volume 1.  (As an side, I do like the way that a search for it on amazon.co.uk takes me to a cardboard cat house.)

But most curious of all have been my exchanges with Carrie Cuinn at Lakeside Circus.

You may recall that I sold a story, The Root Canals of Mars (which, I’ve just discovered, is also an ambient soundscape thing by Daniel Crommie), last May to Lakeside Circus.  My sole sale of 2015, as it turned out.  A modest $14, but it’s not the money, it’s the independent verification by somebody who doesn’t know me through anything other than my writing that it’s worth putting in print.

Well, immediately after signing and returning the contract to Carrie Cuinn, I stumbled across this blog posting regarding Lakeside Circus’ modus operandi.  It raised alarm bells with me.  Further Google searches have flagged tales such as this; although the fault doesn’t appear to be wholly on Ms Cuinn’s side, putting her name into a search engine does seem to elicit a disproportionate amount of chatter.

Well, following the signing of my story away for twelve months, what happened?  Precisely nothing.  Not a word.  Not even when, after six months, I sent an email querying Lakeside Circus’ plans for my story.  Silence.  Void.  Vacuum.

As April turned to May I thought Ms Cuinn may get in touch to clarify matters before the rights reverted to me.  But no.  Not a squeak.

So, a couple of days after the guillotine fell, I sent this email:

Carrie,

As you have chosen not to publish The Root Canals of Mars, the appropriate kill fee became payable earlier this week and the rights have now reverted to me.  Grateful if you could make payment to my PayPal account, as per this email address.

Regards,  Robert Bagnall

Clear and businesslike, I thought.  The reply, however, I found somewhat leftfield:

I did not choose not to publish this work.  Perhaps you've confused me with another publisher? 

Best,  Carrie Cuinn

Not, ‘really sorry, time ran out, I’ve been dealing with a long list of stories I want to publish but still love yours, can we talk about scheduling it for later in the year?’ or some such.  Instead, it’s ‘I don’t think you meant me’.  Does she think I’m complaining about a rejection rather than a decision not to publish something she’s bought the rights for?  Surely the reference to a ‘kill fee’ would make that clear.  So I reply:

You accepted it for Lakeside Circus on 16 March 2015, I returned the signed contract on 12 May 2015, and queried when you'll be publishing sometime around November 2015 (you didn't reply to my email).  You may wish to check your emails, but can forward you the contact (sic) if you can't find it.

Carrie replies:

I see the confusion. No, I did not decline to publish it. We had a break in publication for a while during which time we restructured (it was announced on social media and on the website). I still have every intention of publishing it, unless you want to withdraw it, which you're free to do since it has been more than 12 months. It's on my schedule for this summer, though, and I'd prefer to move forward with it if that's okay with you.

Carrie Cuinn

At this I sense a slight rat.  The contract pays a kill fee if Lakeside Circus does not run it within twelve months but, if I accept the invitation of withdrawal no kill fee is payable.  The kill fee is an even more modest $7, but there’s a principle at stake here.

To be clear, the confusion is entirely on your side.  No, I do not wish to withdraw the piece, as that nullifies the contractual kill fee.  However, the facts of the matter are that due to your actions or omissions the piece was not published in the year since I assigned the rights to you.  The idea that your publication was in hiatus somehow stops the clock is laughable.

What we will do now is that you will pay the contractual kill fee and, if you still wish to publish, you may offer a new contract, which I will consider.

Robert Bagnall

A reply pings back:

I'm not sure why you need to be rude, or misrepresent what I'm saying. If you do not wish to be published by Lakeside, that does not negate the fee due to you since it's been more than 12 months. The contract is clear, and nothing I've said contradicts that. However, since I never declined to publish it, but you said I had, I wanted to clear up that I was still willing to publish it.

I will process your payment, and take your work off our schedule.

Carrie Cuinn

Maybe I have been brusque:

Apologies if my response appeared rude; I was aiming for clarity given a year ago you 'loved' my story, after which you decline to respond to my request for an update, and then deny ever having been in contact.

Robert

And back again:

No, Mr. Bagnall, I did not "deny ever having been in contact", just like I did not decline to publish your story, I simply had not published it yet. You can look over my emails to see clearly I never said that.

Considering I wrote the contract to allow you the kill fee if you hadn't been published within a year - a deadline which had just (barely) passed - I'm not certain why you feel the need to be adversarial and repeatedly attribute things to me I've not said. It doesn't affect the fee one way or another, so it really is unnecessary. Please stop.

Carrie Cuinn

This is seriously odd.  So what if a deadline is ‘barely’ passed; it’s either passed or it hasn’t.  Maybe we’re arguing over ‘decline’.  Lakeside Circus accepted my piece and then failed - forgot? - to publish it.  I’m not using ‘decline’ in a particularly active sense here, but maybe that’s what’s confusing, just trying to be more polite than using 'failed'.  But I think she did pretty clearly deny previous contact…

Apologies for any confusion, but I was taking "I did not choose not to publish this work.  Perhaps you've confused me with another publisher?" at face value,

Robert Bagnall

Back and forth, back and forth...

Yes, I did not choose NOT to publish it. In other words, I did not decline to publish it, as I've said repeatedly.

Carrie Cuinn

‘Declined’ to publish?  ‘Failed’ to publish?  ‘Forgot’ to publish?  Whether Lakeside Circus ‘didn’t choose’ to publish or ‘chose not’ to publish the result is the same - they had the rights to publish until the calendar moved on twelve whole pages, but they didn’t.  I sense someone who’d rather debate the semantics than deal with the issue.

Hmm.  With or without the double negative, still reads like 'we've never spoken, you must have me mixed up with someone' to me.

Robert

To which she never replied.

Suffice to say that Matt Buscemi at Fuzzy Hedgehog has made payment on ‘Where do all the Accountants Come From?’, whereas Carrie Cuinn at Lakeside Circus?  Still waiting…

Original Patent Application Number 5,008 for Improvements in Box Staples for use with Locks and Latches

Received the news that Beyond the Hedge, Volume 1: The Light and the Dark is now available on Amazon to pre-order.  My sincere advice is to Buy! Buy! Buy!

I particularly like the fact that it appears to be by "Robert Bagnall (author) & 7 more".  Reminiscent of Spike Milligan's 'Hitler, my part in his downfall'.

Clicking on the author link I also find that I'm credited with "Original Patent Application Number 5,008 for Improvements in Box Staples for use with Locks and Latches" but, alas, I'm fairly sure I wasn't in Wolverhampton in 1901...

I predict flying cars

I was trying to explain something to the kids the other day, something sufficiently advanced as to be indistinguishable from magic to me growing up, but antediluvian to them.  I think it may have been Video+ codes.

This got me thinking: what is there in the world today that is commonplace, but to their children will be utterly alien?

And then it came to me.  Cars.

Not cars, per se.  But car ownership.

Think about it.  Uber delivers us a taxi at the tap of a screen.  And driverless technology will give us in, say, five years time, cars whizzing about on the road with nobody in as a common sight.  Combine the two.  Rather than own a car, when I want one, in future I'll tap a screen and a car will appear, purring, outside my door at a preset time.

And, when I don't want one, it'll drive itself away.  Even when I keep it in the medium term it may well drive itself away to park.  Possibly in a designated multi-storey, impossibly close to its neighbours, as it recharges through wireless charging, the whole shoal shifting like a child's puzzle as cars move in perfect collaboration to let others in and out.

When I grew up we had coal bunkers.  You had to store all your power for heating on site and then use it, bit by bit.  Nowadays gas comes through pipes as and when I need it.  I don't have a gas holder on site.  One less hassle.  It'll be the same with cars with two decades; personal transport on demand and just-in-time.

I predict that in ten, fifteen years time that will be the model for personal transport.  It's there when you need it, not when don't.  And the other big change is that there'll be no storage issue, at least not on-site.  Fewer cars parked on the street, fewer garages (and more garages converted as granny annexes for our ageing population - a win-win there).  All this will be swapped for high-density parking facilities without the need for lights on room to open doors.  (Pity the mechanic that has to deal with a breakdown in the midst of that).

I'm quite confident that the car we currently own may not be our last, but may be one of the last - we may have two or three more.  And, perhaps, the kids may own some clapped out runabout.

What I'm less sure about is the transition from here to there.  We'll have a glut of non-driverless cars on our hands as we move from one technological paradigm to the next.  You can't give VHS tapes away nowadays; even charity shops refuse to take them.  Will it be the same with non-driverless technology? Or will they be retrofitted?

Or - and this is my favourite scenario - will we all be buying robot drivers, encapsulating the driverless technology and interfacing with the car, turning the wheel and pressing the peddles.  Will we, psychology insist on it looking human?  Will I be able to put a chauffeurs cap on mine?

I predict flying cars.  Not flying per se, but flying to me when I want it.

Fan mail? No, spam mail

I really thought that I had received my first piece of fan mail when the following dropped through my digital letterbox from JukePop:

annah brown said: Hello good day, i will like to meet you in person, am miss Anna, am from France and am leaving in London, please contact me on my email id at (annh1brown@hotmail.com), for more information about me. because i have some important thing i will like to discuss with you privately. Hope to hear from you soon. Anna, thanks

Well, much as I like being liked, my first instinct is to carry out some due diligence, a sort of digital version of dogs sniffing each others' arses.  And who would have believed that 'Annah' had emailed a whole slew of JukePoppers with exactly the same message?  Fancy that.  The little hussy.

So, I replied:

Thanks for your message.  Do we meet alone, or with all the other Jukepop authors you've messaged?  Could I suggest you book a function room, perhaps upstairs in a pub?

I thought that would be that, but no, she came back with chapter and verse.

Hello My Dear
How are you today? thanks for contacting me back, i will like to be kind and honest with you, i am a woman that have seen life, i have been in the social circle for many years, although it does not matter one's age, color or achievement, what matters in our life is your kindness to humanity

Dear, i believe that is the most important thing in life, I had been hardworking all my life, i must think of something better, to enjoy my life and probably have a family ,maybe relocate and start investing in other things, Anyway i will like to tell you more about me, My name is Miss Anna Brown, am from France, i was born in France, And i left France at Age of 12 Years to England, which to the glory of God Am working as an Senior Audit/banker in Islamic Bank of Britain Plc United Kingdom, is very painful i lost my only son at age of 4 years,

i was married but my Ex Husband got married to another woman, which caused our divorce, but is ok that is life for you, since he accused me of been so busy due to my bank work activities as accounting/auditing, that i was not having time for him and our son before he passed away, but he refused to understand that i was pursing a goal, i told him that soon i will resign and we will have enough time for each other but he was impatient, although is over between us, I am happy alone because I have everything i need, This is why I think of relocating to another country to get into investment and maybe own a small company which i can be able to manage on my own, Please would you tell me more about yourself too?  I will like to know more about you for me to know if we can achieve this goal together, your marital status and your country of origin
I will be glad to hear from you soon
Yours Faithful Anna 

My faithful Anna?  She can't even be bothered to address it to me, personally.  What about all the other JukePoppers getting similar messages?  The vixen.  Lovely set of photos, though.  Bet they're not of anybody called Anna.  I suspect 'Anna' is a boke with a beard and last week's underpants in an internet cafe in Lagos.  So, I replied:

Fascinating, but doesn't really address the points in my email, does it?

And, eventually, Anna responded unspecifically (isn't the bloke in the sweaty boxers even reading what I write?  This is what really annoys: that he's trying a scam with technology that would have seemed like magic to my grandfather, but can't be bothered to use the diligence and care that my grandparents' generation would have taken as read to make the conversation look genuine.  The only reason I pretended to me nibbling was to see whether he would respond to my points.  If this was about artificial intelligence then I'd be writing about 'the frame problem', but there's a bloke eating crisps in Nigeria at a keyboard involved in this, which should circumvent that old chestnut):

Hello My Dear How are you today?
i must thank you once again for your humble reply to my mail. I really appreciate it so much and i am very happy to read from you, well from your respond I'm convinced that the future has a special place for us, if only we could trust each other and also be honest and faithful to each other as well

Like i told you earlier, i was looking forward to accomplish a particular mission, which my ''ex'' husband was unlucky to achieve with me, I think with the little you have told me about you, it would be very wise to disclose this secret to you and also tell you my aim and plan. Because it would be of mutual benefit to us and maybe you could be the right person to utilize the opportunity with me, because i believe our knowing each other is the way God have destiny it

Remember i told you i am an Auditor of my bank and also the Chief of the International Relation Foreign Remittance Unit. Prior to my position here at my bank, i have the opportunity to loot out some amount of money of a deceased customer, whose autopsy result showed that he died as a result of gun shorts by unknown gunmen. As i was her personal accountant officer, before he died and from the account opening records, he did not indicate anybody as his beneficiary next of kin. Since 2008 to date, nobody has come forward as his beneficiary next of kin to administer the fund. The amount in question is the total sum of $9,500,000. (Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand USD).

I can provide all the required legal papers from the British Court to present you as the legal beneficiary to these funds if you would accept to partner with me in this deal. A lot of abandoned money lay around in this bank as a result of abandoned bank accounts, stock holdings, unclaimed life insurance pay-outs and forgotten pension benefits. I will definitely give you comprehensive details on how we would achieve this legally, without going against the laws of the country. Once you reply to me indicating your interest to work with me. I have worked with the bank for several years and have taken time to study the British inheritance claims procedures. I would appreciate it if you would treat this issue with every bit of confidentiality and maturity, putting my integrity foremost, because i wouldn't need any mistakes or regrets. I assure you that you will never regret it if you would take the bold step to partner with me in this deal. It would be wise if
we make every effort not to loose this golden opportunity. This happens in every bank around the world, even in your own country, but people outside the banking industry do not know this.

The fund will be shared at the ratio of 58% for me, 40% for you and 2% will be set aside to cover any expenses and tax in your bank, We will use the fund there in your country to build companies and for investment which both of us would manage, Please this is an honest request for you and i. i only plead for you to make this transaction a top secret because we do not have to trust anybody unless you and i alone.

Please treat this business proposal with utmost confidentiality and send me the following Information(s) for further application for this transfer if you are interested.

1. Full Name,
2. Address
2. Identification copy
3.Nationality

Thanks and best regards
Yours Faithful Annh Brown

Bored now.  Game over.

The space race

Or, possibly, claymation masturbation.  Either way, it's all poetry.

I've been invited to take part in an email poetry exchange, for which I have to summon up twenty friends.  Well, my email address book is packed with acquaintances, business contacts, addresses beginning 'info' or 'help', and so on, but I've struggled to find twenty email-able friends for whom poetry doesn't involve a marker pen and a toilet wall.  I know it's essentially a chain letter thing, which sit in one of Dante's circles of Hell somewhere between avarice and Donald Trump, but, hey, it's poetry...

So I'm throwing this open to the planet.

Simply send out an email with the subject line 'Poetry Exchange', following the instructions below - as if the text in bold were the email you've received:

Dear friends,

 

I'm involved in a collective, constructive, and hopefully uplifting poetry exchange.

It's a one-time thing and I hope you would like to participate. 

We have picked those we think would be willing and make it fun.

 

Please send a poem to the person whose name is in position 1 below (even if you don't know him or her). It should be a favourite text/verse/ meditation/quote. 

 

Don't agonise over it…

1. Richard Earl

richardjearl@gmail.com

2. Robert Bagnall

robertcbagnall@gmail.com

After you've sent the short poem/verse/quote/etc. to the person in position 1, and only that person, copy this letter into a new email.

Move my name to position 1, and put your name in position 2 . Only my name and your name should show in the new email. Send it to 20 friends BCC (blind copy). 

 

If you cannot do this in five days, let us know so it will be fair to those participating.  Seldom does anyone drop out because we all need new pleasures. The turnaround is fast, as there are only two names on the list, and you only have to do it once. How nice to receive a load of poetry on a dreary weekday morning!

Enjoy

Robert xx